I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
