a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
