highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
