when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
tequila makes me forget i have legs
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
