My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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