woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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