you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
