I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
