Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
