She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize