You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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