have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
