Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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