Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
