you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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