dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
