M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
