Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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