My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Never underestimate the power of titties
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