Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize