Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize