He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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