I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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