When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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