if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
