A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize