Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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