I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
