The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
