Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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