Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
