As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
