I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
