How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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