I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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