Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
