Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
