The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
