well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
