Kareoke will never be a sober sport
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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