I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
