boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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