I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Let's get the cat blown out
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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