I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
