I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
it's like heaven, but drunker
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Randomize
