How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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