You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
