Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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