When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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