You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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