So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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