Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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