I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
