my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
