life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Houston, we have a blender
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize