Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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