so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
