I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Boobs are out for the taking
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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