Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
